Mary Sues of Middle Earth
by Agent Motiel
Summary: Ever get annoyed with Mary Sues? This is a collection of all the different types of the creatures so you can avoid them. Learn exactly what makes them so darn annoying! Now with the new and improved Ravarastwinklet... oh, forget it.
1. The crazed fangirl

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings

_**Everyone knows that Mary-Sues can get really annoying at times. But there are more Sues than the fall into ME, get Leggy to fall in love with her kind. Today we will be exploring the story of the traditional mindless slut, the most annoying Sue of all time. Watch as she falls into Middle Earth, meets "Aragon", goes to "Rivendale", and tries to get "Leggy" to fall in love with her. But the real Middle Earth is different than the movies...**_

Mary-Sues of Middle Earth

_Thump._

"What was that?" Aragorn whispered. The hobbits looked around, but found nothing but the unforgiving darkness around them. The ranger quietly snuck into the trees. A few minutes later, he emerged with a teenage girl hanging from his grip on her cami. She had midnight blackhair and a tiny waist. Her bright blue eyes were widened with awe as she took in her surroundings. Her mini skirt revealed a little more than nessecary around the hips and above the knee.

"Who, no, what is she?" Merry asked. Frodo, who was seriously injured at the moment, just stared at her blankly.

"Uh... my name is Tinklewinklehamana," the girl answered. She thought the name sounded like elvish,"And you're Mary, Ham, Flippin, Fordo, and Aragon!"

"Actually, it's Merry, Sam, Pippin, Frodo, and Aragorn,"Aragorn said.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be, like, nearly dead?" she asked, pointing to Frodo,"And, like, where is Princess Arwen? She should be rescuing you by now!"

Aragorn dropped the girl onto the hard ground and walked into the forest once more. Eventually he beckoned to the others and they all, even Frodo, got up and walked to him. Tinklewinklehamana was dumbfounded, but she stepped foward also.

Standing in front of them was a male elf, with the light of Valinor shining around his body. When he saw the girl, he tilted his head and muttered something incomprehesible to Aragorn. Then he turned to Frodo.

"You must take Asfaloth and ride to Rivendell," he said, "The wraiths cannot catch you with this horse by your side."

"But I can't leave you behind," Frodo replied.

"You're hot..." the girl said.

"We will be alright. Now ride! The wraiths are behind us," Glorfindel commanded, ignoring her.

As Frodo disappeared, the others began to collect their things. Tinklewinklehamana was confused.

"This is like, different than the movie!" she whined, "None of this is supposed..." but she was cut short. While complaining endlessly about the current conditions, she tripped over her own two feet and landed head-first on a rock. She was knocked out cold.

"Should we leave her?" Pippin asked.

Glorfindel sighed. "I suppose we must take her with us, but at least she'll be quiet now. Aragorn can handle her if she awakens. She frightens me very much..." Suddenly, the scream of a wraith was heard behind them. They ran as fast as their legs could take them!

* * *

Tinklewinklehamana opened her eyes inside of the Last Homely House. She had a massive headache from her fall, but she was able to stagger over to her large mirror. She saw that her blonde hair was mussed and her clear skin smeared with mud. Worst of all, her forty dollar mini-skirt was ruined. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed, summoning everyone within a ten mile radius into her room. That was when she saw Legolas standing in the corner.

"LEGGY!" she squealed. The poor elf was left defensless when she jumped on top of him.

"Get this creature off of me!" he cried. Glorfindel and Aragorn both grabbed her by the arm and pulled her off the shocked elf.

"I have never seen such unexcuseble behavior from any madien in my long years as Lord of Rivendell, but you have managed to amaze me in five minutes. Where do you come from?" Elrond questioned angrily.

"Earth, duh! You should know that, King Elrod. Can't you, like, see into the future and read minds? My family disowned me after I refused to follow in the family buisness. I was forced to live on the streets of Chicago until I magically landed here..." she answered, adding a tearful sniff for effect. The men didn't buy any of it.

"How do you expect us to believe that? You would have to pay a ridiculus amount of money to even get someone to think about making a skirt of those...proportions," Legolas said, pulling at the bottom of his own tunic.

"Don't you like it Leggy? I think it compliments my features well..." she added slyly. The elf looked at her, disgusted. He even turned slightly green at the thought of it.

"You have never even met Legolas! I am ashamed of your behavior miss, uh, Tinklewinklehamana?" exclaimed Glorfindel.

"But doesn't it feel like we have known each other forever?" she asked, scooting closer to Legolas. When she was finally standing by his side, he looked down at her in horror as if she were a disease and fainted on the spot.

"Look what you've done!"Gandalf exclaimed, "Now the poor elf is unconsious, and we need him for the council in an hour."

"I'll go!" cried Tinklewinklehamana.

"NO!" the others screamed.

* * *

After the council was over, Tinklewinklehamana was waiting for her precious elf to speak with her. No such luck. Elrond wouldn't even let her eat with the others, much less let her speak with Legolas alone. 

Weeks passed before she was allowed to leave her room. The only social contact she had during this period was when the servants brought food and hot water for bathing. Finally, at the end of December, Lord Elrond summoned her to the Hall of Fire.

"The fellowship leaves in three days," he exclaimed, "You shall be joining them."

He didn't have the time tosay anything more, because after his last sentance she ran out of the hall screaming Legolas's name. It was a genius plan, really. She would leave with the fellowship, and he would never have to see her again! If they were lucky, an orc would chop off her head or something like that. He really did feel sorry for Legolas, but at least Rivendell would be safe from her madness!

* * *

"Bye King Elrod! Bye Princess Arwen! Bye Glorfy! I hope to see you all again soon!" Tinklewinklehamana cried as the fellowship left Rivendell. Legolas positioned himself in the back of the fellowship, for that monster was in the front. She could torture Gandalf with her endless blabbering for all he cared. 

Days passed on end until the company reached Caradhras (is that how you spell it?). The girl charged up the mountain first, and was suddenly forced back by the wind. Legolas took the oppertunity to step on her on his way up, as did the rest of the fellowship. When she finally got on her feet, she realized that the snow was up to her waist. She scooted her way up to Legolas, only to have her hopes of snuggling with him trampled when he yelled, "Farwell! I go to find the sun!" and disappeared in the blizzard.

A few hours later, he reappeared with good news. The next turn was the worst to come, then it was easy going from there. The hobbits grabbed onto the men and they began to trudge foward. Indeed, it was the worst. After struggling past that point though, they easily made their way down the mountian and toward the Mines of Moria.

* * *

"Yo, Flippin! Don't throw the rocks! It will, like, awaken the Watcher thing!" Tinklewinklehamana yelled as he tossed the rocks. Pippin looked up frightenly and backed away from the water. Sure enough, ripples appeared on the surface. 

"There is a creature in the water? How do you know this?" asked Boromir.

As the girl explained her reasoning, Gandalf, with the help of Frodo, opened the door to the mine.

"Chill, dude. No one's going to die! Fordo's just going to get sucked in, but you and Aragon will rescue him..." she continued.

The fellowship stepped into the mines and realized that every dwarf in the entrance was dead!

"Get out!" Boromir cried. Suddenly, just as the girl predicted, a tentacle reached out and grabbed Frodo's leg. Not as she predicted, Sam was the one to save him by slashing at the beast with his sword. They all got inside just before the Watcher destroyed the entrance, leaving them inside the mines.

"It's so dark, Leggy. I need someone to help guide me..." the girl suggested. Lucky for him, Gandalf lit up his staff and she could see perfectly. Legolas immaturally stuck out his tounge and ran ahead.

* * *

Four tiering days slipped by and Tinklewinklehamana still hadn't gotten near Legolas. Right now, Gandalf had just figured out which way to go. 

"Balin!" Gimli cried. The wizard tried to stop him, but hesprinted foward anyway. When he got to the room, all that was there was a tomb and a few dwarf skeletons.

"Here lies Balin, son of Hundin, lord of Moria," sighed Gandalf, "He is dead then."

"Well, I knew that," the girl stated, then turned to Pippin, who was in the act of throwing the stone in the well.

"You shouldn't have done that. Now the goblins are, like, going to attack us!" she screeched. Sure enough, the drums began to roll. The girl hid behind Legolas when the first arrows were shot. All he could do was sigh and kill some more goblins.

"They have a cave troll! Run!" cried Boromir.

"Leggy, don't worry! You'll kill..." but before she could utter another word, Boromir grabbed her and dragged her out of the tomb. Scurring behind them were Aragorn, who was carrying a limp Frodo which she had completly forgotton about, and Legolas, dragging an unwilling Gimli behind him.

"I'm alright! Put me down!" Frodo gasped. Aragorn did so.

"You should be dead!" he exclaimed.

"There is no time! Swords are no more use here," commanded Gandalf.

The company ran quickly through the long hall with the wizard's staff leading the way. After a while, he ran out of energy and the light disappeared. Tinklewinklehamana pouted when Merrywas the one to grab her hand and lead the way. Soon they were able to walk, but when the air became hotter, Gandalf urged them foward again. Now there was a great light, but it wasn't the sun. It was red, and the fellowship seemed to be afraid of it. The Mary-Sue decided to do something smart for once and not say anything to change the timeline, but that was not her reason for doing so. She decided that the wizard was getting on her nerves, and she wanted him to leave. Go figure.

"The bridge!" cried Gandalf, "Hurry!"

The fellowship ran across the bridge single file, with the girl running and screaming in the front. Legolas notched a bow while he was running, but dropped it with a cry.

"Ai! A Balrog has come!" he screamed. Gandalf urged Aragorn and Boromir foward, then he stood in the middle of the bridge. The girl knew what was going to happen, but she acted like she didn't. With a shrill cry, she hid behind Legolas. He just shoved her off.

"You cannot pass. I am a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun. Go back to the shadow! You cannot pass," Gandalf began. The Balrog just stood there, observing him like he was the human and the wizard was the annoying fly that he was about to obliterate.

"You shall not pass!" the wizard cried. With that, his staff hit the bridge and the enemy went falling down into the dark hole, but not without dragging Gandalf down first.

"Fly you fools," he commanded. Then he was gone.

Aragorn contained himself and ordered the fellowship to keep going. Frodo and Sam were crying their little hearts out as they ran. Tinklewinklehamana just smiled to herself. There was no way that annoying wizard could keep her from Leggy now.

* * *

The company was silent as they stepped into Lothlorien. Legolas's frown turned upside-down when he saw the river infront of them. Even as the girl walked through it, she felt all of her muscles relax and her feet well again. 

As they walked, Legolas began to sing of Nimrodel. Tinklewinklehamana grinned when he finished.

"That was beautiful, Leggy! I can sing too, you know..." but before she could open her mouth, Aragorn covered it. He really didn't want to attract any more orcs.

The company trudged foward a little more when Legolas climbed up into a tree. As soon as he heard voices though, he jumped down and backed away. The voices spoke in elvish tounge, and Legolas replied.

"They say you breath so loud..." but the girl interuppted.

"That they could have shot you in the dark, yeah yeah, I know. It was probably Haldir who said that."

Legolas looked at her suspiciously. "How did you know that?" he asked.

"It was in the movies, duh!" she replied. He questioned her no more when a ladder was let down from the tree.

When the girl clambered up, she saw Legolas sitting with Haldir, Rumil, and Orophin. Before any of them could speak, she let out an extremly loud fangirl screech.

"OMG! You're Haldir! You are, like, so hot! Not as hot as Legolas of course, but..." Boromir covered her mouth before she could say anything else to embarrass them. Haldir was about to ask, but Aragorn beat him to it.

"Elrond's idea," he muttered.

Haldir nodded and explained to them about their sleeping arrangements. Tinklewinklehamana struggled against Boromir, but he was much stronger than she. After a while, she finally got tired and plopped to the ground with exaustion.

* * *

When she awakened, she was hovering over rapid moving water. She let out a cry, and the person carrying her nearly fell. Before she looked up at the face, she prayed that it was Legolas. 

No such luck. It was Rumil.

"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!" she screeched. The elf wobbled a little and dropped her. Then the worst happened. No, she did not fall. That probably would have given them reason to rejoice. Instead, she was hanging onto the rope upside-down. Her shirt flew down to reveal some... rather unpleasant features. In result, a couple of things happened. Haldir, his brothers, and thehumansjust turned their heads with horrified looks on their faces; Frodo and Sam fainted; Merry and Pippin froze in their positions, also with horrified looks; Gimli screamed like a little girl; and poor Legolas stood in shock for a moment before collapsing onto the ground.

When she finally made her way across the river, Haldir was still in shock. He looked down at her, then across the river, then down at her, then across the river once more. Finally, he spoke.

"Well, I suppose we will not need to blindfold all of them anymore," he muttered, "Orophin, retrieve the unconcious ones and bring the others with you. I will deal with the girl."

Tinklewinklehamana just smiled.

* * *

When the fellowship stood before Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel, Tinklewinklehamana's hands were bound and she was blindfolded. The others had recovered more or less from the incident and were all concious once more. 

"Why is the girl bound?" Celeborn asked. But before Haldir could answer, Galadriel whispered something to him and he took a step away from her.

"Nine there were yet eight set out from Rivendell," he exclaimed, "Tell me, where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him."

"He has fallen into the shadow of Moria," replied Aragorn. The girl just nodded.

So Aragorn began the long tale of their travels through Moria. By the time he had finished, the girl was asleep.

"Well that's a relief. Take her to a talan, Haldir," commanded Celeborn.

"But..."

"No buts. And I want you to make sure that the talan is secure. The last thing we need is her running about Lothlorien..."

* * *

Tinklewinklehamana awakened to find that the fellowship was preparing to leave. Legolas was the first to notice her awakening. 

"Aragorn! The potion's wearing off!" he called. He muttered something under his breath about wishing it could have lasted longer.

"Collect your things. We are leaving soon," Legolas said. She quietly obeyed him and stood up.

"Well?" heasked.

"I don't have any things, remember?" she whined. He pointed to the clothes beside her bed. That was when she realized that she was wearing an elvish traveling garment something like what Arwen wore to rescue Frodo in the movies. The skirt went down to her ankles, by the way.

"Shoot," she muttered, "I want to wear my mini skirt!"

Legolas sighed. "Lady Galadriel learned about what happened on our way here and decided that you needed to wear something more appropriate. So don't complain."

She did complain. All the way to the river she whined about her clothes. She was still complaining when Celeborn and Galadriel had luncheon with them, and she complained as the elves were pinning on her cloak.

Aragorn was the unfortunate one to carry the girl in his boat, and she spent days whining about her outfit. Finally, when they landed on the shores of Amon Hen, he cracked.

"SHUT UP YOU EVIL SPAWN OF MORDOR!" he screamed, "ALL YOU'VE EVER DONE THIS ENTIRE TRIP IS TALK! I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON LEMBAS BREAD, THEN WE'LL BE FREE OF YOUR ENDLESS BLABBERING!"

Legolas stared at Aragorn. No one had ever seen the ranger snap, yet this creature had made him so.

"Well, I hope you fall off a cliff meanie!" she spat. Then she finally ran into the forest. Pippin finally broke the silence.

"Where's Frodo?" he asked. The others looked around, but he was nowhere to be found. Neither was Boromir.

* * *

Tinklewinklehamana found Frodo when he fell from theancient statue. She also spotted the orcs. 

"RUN FORDO! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" she screamed. When he ran, Aragorn jumped onto the scene and began to slice at the band of orcs that had appeared out of nowhere. The girl just screamed and hid behind a tree. Following the ranger were Legolas and Gimli.

"Go Leggy!" she cried, instantly discovering her mistake. An orc heard the cry and started to chase her toward the river.

"Save me Leggy! Help!" she screamed. Suddenly, she came to a cliff that hovered over the large waterfall. The orc shot his last arrow at her. She dodged it just in time, only to lose her balance and topple into the water with a cry.

* * *

"She's gone..." Legolas said after the battle was over. The three remaning travelers looked up at each other and pondered the fact for a moment. Without warning, the elf and man let out a whoop and began to dance in a circle happily. Gimli kept his composure, but he was still glad to be rid of the menace. Too bad Boromir wasn't here to see this...

* * *

**_So ends the tale of our first variaty of Mary-Sue. Some things to think about when you come upon a story like this are:_**

**_1. It is just short of impossible for a Mary-Sue such as this one to last farther than the end of the first book_**

**_2. Legolas would never really fall in love with a girl such as this. No chance whatsoever. If you are a true fan, you know that the elf is better than that._**

**_3. Sues like these are annoying, especially to the ones that have to endure them- aka the fellowship- so you have to admit that the final scene is very likely when the Sue dies a horrible death._**

**_Join us next time when we explore another type of Mary-Sue, one that is a little bit less annoying. She is a die hard LotR fan, and has a better chance of survival than this mindless slut. She has read the books more times than she can count, and knows the movies by heart. (Welcome to my world!) This is the modern LotR fan, and it's coming up next!_**


	2. The Daughter of Evil

**_Finally, we're almost done! Now, for your enjoyment, here is the story of Sauron's daughter, the daughter of evil as some of you might recognize her. I hope you find it very amusing; I know I did._**

Mary-Sues of Middle Earth

There is no way Sauron can have a child. None whatsoever. He's a giant flaming eyeball of doom that is in serious need of visine eyedrops. Thank you for reading.

* * *

_**So that is the story! I know it was short, but it's the truth! Here are my reasons for wasting your time:**_

_**1. Like I said, a giant eye cannot have a child.**_

_**2. Even if he could, why would he? He's too busy taking over Middle Earth to bother.**_

_**That's basically it. Any questions? Didn't think so. It's just that this sue as always bothered me the most, so I had to clear that up.**_


	3. Ravara Revised!

**_Here she is, the new and improved Ravarastwinkletoescutiepie! (Shoo, stupid butterflies!) Notice the change in the last section. It matches up with Alien's story much better now, don't you think? BTW, the elvish in the middle of the story where she is talking to Haldir, I did that by banging my head on the keyboard and pressing the space bar every few letters._**

**_There is a prophecy that the chosen one, a girl, will save Middle Earth from... blah, blah, blah. Like we haven't heard that story before. A girl mysteriously appears and saves the fellowship, so they are forever grateful and a certain elf is forever smitten. The poor guy... Anyway, her eyes can change colors, she can see into the future, she has somehow aquired a fourth silmaril, and in some cases, she can even fly! Doesn't it get annoying when the girl is more talented than the elf? This is the Valar's gift to Middle Earth, and she's coming up next!_**

Mary-Sues of Middle Earth

Ravarastwinkletoecutiepie had never been to Middle Earth before in her life. Before, the Valar had just kept her safely in Valinor with her silmaril and a palantir so that she could view what was happening. She had her eye on a certain elf from the moment she saw him. When they finally said that it was her time to leave, she had just been magically poofed to a dark and scary mine with her pet dragon. Nevermind the fact that dragons in Middle Earth are normally evil and hate elves and are impossible to tame. He so wanted to eat her, but the Valar held him back.

After sitting with only the light of the silmaril to guide her, she heard the sound of a monster cracking a whip on the bridge. As if it was her instinct, she flew in front of the old man and shot a blast of ice at it. It froze instantly and fell off the bridge as the fellowship stared in awe.

"Who... Are you a Maia of some sort?" Gandalf asked.

"Only halfeth Maia. My fathereth waseth a powerfuleth elf lordeth in Valinor. I am alsoeth parteth fairy/mermaid/valar/unicorn/dragon/wizard/orc/frog spawn...eth. My nameth is Ravarastwinkletoecutiepie." Just as she spoke these words, her eyes changed from green to blue and flowers sprouted up from the rocks around her.

"Your eyes change colors!" Pippin exclaimed, ignoring the flowers. Actually, he was ignoring her eyes up to this point. His view was obstructed by her extremely large chest.

"Yes, they are greeneth when dangereth is abouteth."

Legolas finally stepped out from behind the fellowship. When he saw the girl he was instantly put under her evil spell. His eyes glazed over and his mind turned to mush. The Sue noticed this, because he was her target. The Valar had sent her to Middle Earth to save it, but her plan was a little different. Yes, she would save their precious world, but that was only to make Legolas swoon. She would soon have what she wanted (and I am not mentioning it just in case there are little kiddies reading, but most of you will know what I mean).

The fellowship (and the Mary-Sue) rushed out of the cave as quickly as possible. How the dragon fit out of the door, I do not know. That was when Legolas lost control.

"Where have you been all my life?" he screamed as he picked her up in his arms. The Sue grinned evilly, but no one noticed. Except for Boromir. This is where he usually recieves the label of evil rapist, because he has the power to see past most Sues'... exterior.

"Drop him you foul creature!" he shouted. Legolas whipped out his bow.

"I will kill you if you lay one hand on her," the hypnotized elf hissed. Boromir backed off.

"We must go to Lothlorien," Aragorn commanded, ignoring the conflict behind him. Boromir tried to approach again, but Legolas would not permit it. The Sue and the elf walked together the remainder of the way, with the man close behind.

.o.O.o.

The company met up with Haldir and his brothers in the forest, just as planned (Ravarastwinkletoescutiepie let them ride on her dragon). But their time together was a little different then expected...

"Ah, Haldir o Lorien! Drfxcirfierio mojwe aseiohf arfnheaor ihoyersgf asuhfafido." Ravarastwinkletoescutiepie cried (this was supposed to be in Sindarin).

"Do I know you?" he asked

The Sue replied by pulling her silmaril out of her-ahem-bosom. "I thinketh you doeth."

Haldir, along with the fellowship, stared in awe. Even Legolas took his eyes off of the girl for a second.

"Where did you get that?" he asked, his eyes beginning to glaze over.

"The Valar gaveth it to meth while I waseth in Valinoreth. Pretty thingeth isn't it...eth?" She looked over to her elf, who in turn snapped out of his silmaril hypnotism and went back to his Sue hypnotism.

"Have I ever told you how much I love you?" he sighed. The Sue grinned evilly. Then Haldir made his way back to the picture.

"Right this way please," he said. His eyes were now completely glazed over.

.o.O.o.

The fellowship made it to the Lord and Lady that night. Again, how the dragon made it through the trees, I do not know. Celeborn, who did not have the gift of foresight, was amazed at the girl and her glowing jewel. He did have enough power to resist hypnotism though. But Galadriel was not fooled.

"Are you sure that is real?" she asked Ravarastwinkletoescutiepie.

"Uheth... of courseth!" she replied. But the lady still looked at her oddly.

.o.O.o.

The woods were peaceful at night. Everyone was asleep. Except for one person.

The Sue awakened.

With her elven hearing, she knew that someone approached her. She didn't need her eyes to tell her that. She turned around just in time to find Galadriel hovering over her with an elven dagger! Without thinking, she grabbed her wrist and took her to the ground with her uber!kung fu skills. Elven guards were there in a flash.

"You don't understand! She will be the death of Middle Earth! I saw it in a vision!" Galadriel cried in the midst of struggling. The Sue knew this because she had seen it too, but she wasn't about to let the Lady win this battle. All she cared about was Legolas.

"I haveth the gifteth of foresight alsoeth, and I knoweth I will saveth Middle Eartheth and all its inhabitantseth!" Then she turned to the guards and hypnotised them with her beauty. The now familiar glazed eyes appeared on the guards.

"Taketh her away," she commanded. They obeyed, and like robots, dragged a kicking and screaming Lady of Light behind them. Her plan was working marvelously.

.o.O.o.

The fellowship left on the third day. Of course, Galadriel was not there to give them any gifts. So Celeborn gave them in her place. He was suprised at what his wife had done, but inside there was a little part of him that feared the Sue. If she had driven his wife insane, then there was nothing she couldn't do.

After Celeborn had given out the gifts, Ravarastwinkletoescutiepie began to complain.

"Hey! Where's my gifteth?" she whined.

"Oh yes. The Lady did give me something special for you." He pulled something out of his sleeve. It was a vial similar to Frodo's.

"Drink it whenever you want to control someone's mind completely... even those who can resist your power now will be left helpless. But the Lady says to use it sparingly. It has terrible side effects."

Of course she didn't pay attention to the side effects part. She was very good at selective hearing, along with many other things. She considered taking a drop right then and having a little fun with Celeborn before she left (aaahhhhhhh! My mind! It burns us! It burns us! -twitches on the floor, then returns to normal state- Ahem. Sorry about that. Returning to the story now.), but thought better of it. She had plans for that potion. But she didn't see the evil smile Celeborn got after she canoed away with the fellowship.

.o.O.o.

The Sue decided to use the potion at Amon Hen. Since she could tell the future, she knew that Boromir was going to die, but she didn't care about him. She just used him to her advantage. Taking a drop of the liquid, she focused her mind on Boromir.

"I'll save you little hob..." he froze mid run as all functions in his mind shut down. Gandalf noticed this and continued to blast orcs with his magical staff, all while monitering Boromir.

Ravarastwinkletoescutiepie stood behind a tree, controlling the human's mind, and enjoying every second of it. Now her plan was in action. She made Boromir lift his sword and run towards her. It looked as if he was about to attack to the the ordinary passerby.

"Helpeth!" she cried "Boromir's trying to killeth me!" Legolas, just as planned, saw the man making his way towards her and lept into action. The moment he stepped in front of his precious Sue, she released Boromir's mind and, after wondering vaguley what the heck he was doing, ran to rescue Merry and Pippin.

"Are you alright snookims?" the elf cooed.

"Yes honeybuneth, now thateth you're hereth!" the Sue sniffed, "That meanieth humaneth tried to killeth me." But before Legolas could kill Boromir, the orcs did it for him. They captured the two hobbits and the others were nowhere to be found. In her mind, that meant 'three down and five to go!' This was the opportune moment to try the mind controlling potion again. She silently put a drop in her mouth and Legolas was completely under her control.

Immediately he grabbed the Sue and began to kiss her passionately, just like she planned. She carefully began to pull his tunic away from his body. As soon as he was shirtless, he began to do the same to her. But before any more X rated material could reach this computer screen, Gandalf burst into the clearing.

"Stop!" he commanded. But she had everything planned out. In her mind, if she added another drop of mind-controlling potion, she could control two minds at once. So she did.

The moment the potion entered her system, something unexpected happened. A sharp pain exploded from her head and she collapsed to the ground, dead as a doornail. As soon as she did, her body disappeared in a puff of pink smoke. The dragon disappeared with her. Legolas got up from the ground and looked at his bare chest.

"Where is my tunic?" he asked.

"Do you remember nothing?" Gandalf sighed, "The girl hypnotised you with her fair elven face and she had control of your mind for a while. Now that she's dead, you are released from her evil clutches."

"That's nice," Legolas replied, "But I want my tunic back. I feel naked." Gandalf tore the clothing from the dead girl's hand and threw it at the elf's head.

.o.O.o.

Meanwhile, Ravarastwinkletoescutiepie poofed back into Valinor. She immedietely realized that she was dead and threw a royal tantrum until the Valar gave her a giant lolly.

While she licked the lolly, thoughts were running through her head, thoughts that a Sue has never thought before. _I'll get them. I'll get them all! Even if it's the last thing I do!

* * *

_

_**Here are my thoughts, as promised. By the way, I hope you've been paying attention to this, because there will be a quiz at the end! Study, study, study!**_

_**1. No one, I repeat, no one is this perfect! Not even the Valar can shoot ice beams out of their hands. I think...**_

_**2. You have to admit, most Sues will go to such lengths to get what they want. In this case, Legolas.**_

_**3. There is no fourth silmaril! DEAL WITH IT FOUL SUES!**_

_**4. I hate how the Mary-Sues can hypnotize males with their beauty.**_

_**5. Umm... I thought of something else, but I forgot what it was. I'm serious!**_

**_Want to see more of Ravarastwinkletoecutiepie? Some of you may know her as Chloe from "I WON, NEENER NEENER NEENER!" Don't worry, she was borrowed with permission. Actually, the author of that story probably did a better job with her than I did..._**


	4. Figwit Sue

**_Just so you guys know, I wrote this because someone asked me to write a sue without killing them. It about killed me in the process, but I finally finished. All-Knowing Alien, I hope you're happy with your specially made Figwit Sue._**

Figwit's Sue

Violetta Jaime Desidra Rose gazed out of a window at Elrond's house and sighed longingly. Every year for the past five hundred years, everything in her world revolved around this day, the day when the Greenleaf family arrived in Rivendale for a two week long visit. She was supposed to be helping the other servants with the preparations, but had shirked her duties to watch for the family. Although she was very excited to see King Thranduil and Prince Legolas again, there was one person she was longing to see more than anyone else... Legolas's younger brother, Figwit.

After many long hours of waiting, Violetta finally spotted horses riding onto the house's grounds. First came the royal guard, followed by King Thranduil and his oldest son, Legolas. Then she spotted him-Figwit was riding in the back, away from his father and brother, with a regal air about him. Violetta grinned excitedly and rushed out to meet him.

When she stepped outside, the other servants were already tending to the family, and several elleths were gathered around Legolas's horse. _Silly girls,_ thought Violetta, _their eyes are set on the wrong prize. _She walked up to Figwit, who was the only one who had not received any assistance. He glanced at her and cracked a smile.

"Would... would you like for me to take your horse?" she asked.

"Yes, thank you Violetta," replied Figwit.

"You know my name?"

"You're the only servant who tends to me every year, and not my brother and father. Of course I know your name."

Violetta's heart began to speed up. He knew her name! And no other elleth was going to get between them. She stood grinning for about a minute, until Figwit cleared his throat.

"Are you going to take my horse?"

"Oh yes, sorry," she replied, blushing. She quickly grabbed the horse's reins and led it to the stable.

.o.O.o.

"What were you doing out there?"

Violetta looked up to see her mother standing in front of the entrance to the kitchens. She stood with her arms crossed and her foot tapping.

"Elrond sent me... to, uh..."

"Elrond said nothing to you! You were out there flirting with the prince again, when you were supposed to be helping with the cleaning. You disgrace me with your disobedience!"

"But mother..."

"What makes you think you would have a chance with him anyway? He his royalty, and you are nothing but a scullery maid. Look at you! You're hair is the color of mud, and your eyes the color of mold. Not to mention that you're always filthy."

Violetta lowered her head. Everything her mother said was true, and she knew it. Every time she looked in the mirror she was ashamed of her homeliness. Figwit would never love her, not in a million years. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she looked back up.

"I won't shame you any longer, mother."

"Good. Now back to work, we still have a lot to do."

As Violetta departed, her mother sighed. She knew her daughter wasn't ugly, in fact, she was probably the most beautiful elleth in Rivendale. But her beauty reminded her too much of her human father, who had died not long after her birth. So as an attempt to erase this memory and to make her feel better about _her_ homeliness, she belittled her daughter.

Maybe she wouldn't experience the same hurts she went through as a girl.

.o.O.o.

"Oy, Violetta! Come here!"

Violetta, who was currently scrubbing dishes, dried her hands and ran over to the head cook. "You called?"

"Yes. I need you to help serve our guests. Grab a platter and start serving the wine."

"Yes sir," she replied. Violetta picked up a silver platter with glasses and a bottle of wine and walked into the dining hall. Many elves were seated, including Mirkwood's royal family. She looked towards Figwit, who was seated next to his brother Legolas. He didn't look like he was having much fun, until he saw Violetta heading towards the table. Figwit gave her a small wink. With a gasp, she smiled back.

"Watch out!"

While watching Figwit, Violetta forgot to watch where she was going. With a crash, she and the glasses went tumbling into the floor. The entire hall laughed when the wine poured all over her head. Her mother heard the crash and came running in to investigate. But when she saw who caused the crash, her attitude changed completely.

"You clumsy girl! Get out before you do anything else to embarrass me! Out! Out!"

With tears in her eyes, Violetta ran out of the room and into the gardens. To her relief, no one was out there. So she chose a bench underneath an oak tree, and laid down to cry.

"Are you alright?"

Violetta looked up for a moment to see Figwit standing nervously in front of the bench. She shook her head no.

"You... you really should go back inside. I'm fine, really..."

"No you're not. Tell me what's wrong."

Violetta sat up, allowing Figwit to sit beside her. "Well... everything. I'm clumsy, hideous, half human, and my mother hates me. She was right. No man would ever want me."

"I think you're mother's wrong," said Figwit.

"What?"

"You're mother is wrong. You are the most beautiful elleth I've ever seen, and I would love to get to know you."

"Really?" sniffed Violetta.

"Really."

Their lips locked, and they both knew instantly that they were meant for each other. Because, after all, a kiss does tell everything about a person.

* * *

**_It just about killed me to write that, you know._**


End file.
